Hacking Sports Video Games - One Hilarious Hobby
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I have to say....someone or someoneS have a
wonderful sense of humor out there and they have given me a renewed, more
optimistic outlook as to the future of the Human race.
What these sports-computer-psychos have done is hack
into the NBA basketball sim and the Madden game to really screw with the
system, and the results will leave you in tears - of laughter. Seriously.
Oh....MY God....
Actually, this one would have taken some time to
pull off, but it doesn't take so long to let the computer simulate an entire
season. As the link title says, every last incoming rookie for years and years
is like Mugsy Bogues without the quickness, awareness, speed, or any of his
other positive traits.
It's a "Doomsday" scenario that watches
what happens and what the effects are of year after year after year of incoming
rookies with less talent than a 47 year old guy, 5'10" with a bullet in
his back like me.
Yes, the gifs are hilarious. Players reaching above
their heads for a low bounce pass.
However, what is MOST frightening is Barack Obama is
President throughout - 20 years and counting in the game - so there has been an
apparent coup d'etat somewhere in the programming there. Plus, he doesn't age.
Ever. Which means he must be an android or an alien anyway, but this isn't a
political post. Just a humorous sidebar to the "action."
My favorite game was a 3-0 victory in 12 overtimes.
That should give you a clue as to the "skills" they have.
What the guy did is, using the Super Bowl teams
(Denver and Seattle for those of you who are memory-challenged like myself),
made every Seahawk seven feet tall, 400 pounds, and gave them the highest
ratings possible. He did the opposite for Denver, where they're all five feet
tall and 130 pounds, with the worst ratings possible.
Hilarity ensues.
Kickoffs slapped into Bronco return men in the rear
end more than a drunk man's hand finds a beer-goggles-women's rear end in a
dive (bar). The Broncos' QB drops back to pass only to see a literal ton of
Seahawks (400 pounds times five guys equals 2,000 pounds) defenders burying
him.
Another play has a tee-niny Bronco who "got
himself a Seahawk." The humongous Seahawk ball carrier was dragging him
along, limping due to the extra 130 or so pounds of dead weight. The funny thing
was there were two other Broncos defenders who stood there, watching, wanting
NO part of it.
Still another play shows the entire offensive line
being run over like a semi hitting a squirrel. It was HIGHLY reminiscent of an
old State Farm commercial with then-Seattle starting QB Matt Hasselbeck having
a bunch of offensive linemen on the "cheap." They looked like
6th-graders and were totally jacked up by the other team. Hasselbeck told the
(very hot, of course) State Farm "agent," "We need to
talk," if you'll recall it. I looked for a YouTube link for it but
couldn't find it.
Then there's the "roughing the punter"
one...where the punter winds up landing on his head. The creator/author said he
had the team set to injury-prone, and the punter wound up with a torn MCL,
broken jaw, broken hand, and a broken foot. 8 was the maximum injuries (number
of so-called "players") for a game, which was reached 10 minutes into
the game.
At that point, the score was 255-0, with 4:57
remaining. In the first quarter. The creator/author proved it - with a
screenshot.
He had actually scored 262 points, but the guy says
once you hit 255 pts, Madden stops counting correctly.
The following is picked from the Madden game
article:
"Before I tell you what happened next, I want
to lay out a couple of things: first, I made no actual hacks to this game. I
didn't have some special jailbroken Xbox, nor a special copy of Madden, nor
anything like that. I bought my Xbox at Target and bought my copy of Madden off
Amazon, and that's that. Second, I stake whatever journalistic integrity I have
upon the statement that I didn't Photoshop any of this, and that it happened
just as I say it did.
"I was
setting up for a two-point conversion try, which I hadn't failed all game.
Suddenly, an official blew a whistle and called one of my players for a false
start.
Wait a minute. I turned all the penalties off. I had
certainly turned off the "false start" penalty, as well as every
other penalty. This was the first time a ref had shown up all game.
I wondered what the Hell had happened, so I went to
the replay.
This was no replay. There were no players on the
field. I scanned up and down, and my eyes caught a little speck of something at
midfield.
It was placed neatly at the 50-yard line, right in
the middle of the NFL logo.
it's like this half-Bronco, half-Seahawk fetus the
game has told me in the only language it has left that it has been
broken."
My God, I haven't laughed so hard for so long at
anything in a long time. I really had a great morning reading all this, seeing
the HILARIOUS gif images, and especially reading the sarcastic articles.
At any rate, the author can certainly write a
humorous account of what went on - and did.
Since you're reading this, you're either a sports
fan yourself or my Mother, so check them out. The only thing I request is that
you return here to C-cubed and leave a comment after you've read them both and
looked at the gifs. I mean, fair is fair - I let you know of their existence so
you can at least come back here and let us all know your thoughts.
One thing I can say for certain: Whoever did this
had WAY too much time on his hands.
I just hope to pass along some laughter for our readers
- I promise you, there will be plenty to go around.
Follow me on Twitter @Ken_Dye